pre-iftari thoughts

my Ramadan excitement and anxieties

Ramadan Mubarak to all the brilliant Muslim readers and writers on this platform! May this season bring us all the strength, healing, and barakah that we seek <3

There’s always been a special sort of energy in the air during Ramadan. A buzz of anticipation, of excitement, of preparation. I know I’d never be able to be this version of myself — the best version of myself — without that atmosphere. It’s like the world knows that it’s time. Like all of Allah’s creations are ready to grow toward Him.

As with every Ramadan, I find myself thinking back to previous years. I remember my childhood rozas spent playing in the summer heat. My earliest fasts were half-days marked by Dunkin Donuts as a lunchtime reward. Even then, I ate my chocolate glazed donut with a bit of disappointment. I wanted to spend the entire day fasting like my parents did. They raised me well, alhamdulillah, with reverence for Allah and an understanding of the importance of the Holy month.

I’ve spent Ramadans strengthening my faith and becoming a kinder person. But I’m also only human. There have been just as many years in which I fell short.

I haven’t been properly on my deen this year. I don’t know if I should be admitting that, but it feels misleading to write a post about this month without acknowledging that I haven’t been very good at being religious as of late.

In July, I went with my family to Makkah and Medina for Umrah. It was the best trip of my life; there isn’t any feeling in the world that compares to opening your eyes and seeing the Holy Kaaba for the first time. My relationship with my religion had been tumultuous since I had put on — and less than a month later, had to take off — the hijab (that’s a post for another time), so standing there, looking up at the structure I’d been praying toward my entire life, it was indescribable. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, begging for forgiveness and strength to be a better Muslim.

my view as i sat and prayed, tears staining my abaya

Umrah was cathartic. I returned to my family Pakistan, and eventually home to the States, feeling wholeheartedly secure in my faith and ready to do better. Instead, I somehow started doing so much worse. Missing more prayers than I made, getting lazy, ignoring times when I could be better off lying around instead.

I’ve been thinking about Allah every day, but that’s the issue. It’s just been thinking — no action.

I kept telling myself that this Ramadan, I’ll get back on it. I’ll make every prayer and read more Quran and turn off my TikTok in exchange lectures and stop rotting in my bed feeling miserable about myself. But I’ve been saying that to myself so often that I'm worrying it’s going to be more like a New Year’s resolution that never gets granted, that I’ll keep pushing off until it's too late, and that I’ll still lack the willpower and dedication to actually change for the better.

Now, there’s no time for fake promises. Only for effort. I’m on a bit of a delay for some aspects of it as my periods lined up to begin right on day one. A similar thing happened toward the end of our Umrah trip.

Regardless of the setback — or no, actually, I hate calling it a setback when it’s my biological clock — I still want to do better. My motivation is still there.

saw this at whole foods yesterday when i went to get orange juice for sehri. made my heart happy!

I watched a mini-documentary yesterday about how Muslims fast in areas with extreme hours of sunlight. Although I clicked it expecting to learn more about the technicalities of the issue, the video instead reminded me about what Ramadan, and Islam as a whole, is truly about. Regardless of location, of culture, or of fast length, the Muslims in that video held onto their devotion. They provided not just for themselves, but for their community. They acted with such kindness and grace, whether it be reciting the Quran or preparing meals with friends, that they became a reminder of how fasting is just one aspect of this month.

The roza has always come easy to me. It’s everything else — the prayer, the recitation, the learning — that poses difficulty.

I pray that this month brings me the strength to not only fast with my stomach but with my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I pray that I find the willpower I’ve been missing to truly improve. And I pray that myself and the entire Ummah feel that infectious energy and channel it into more tangible results.

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Little closing note — drop your favorite Islamic videos or resources to check out this month! I’m looking to find more productive uses for my phone and I think that’s a perfect starting place.

<3