religion, romance and growing up in the South: a conversation with Yasmin Elhady

here's what the comedian, internet personality and matchmaker has to say.

This is an interview I conducted a few weeks prior for a story that fizzled out. Yasmin Elhady is a comedian, internet personality and matchmaker who was recently highlighted on the reality TV show Muslim Matchmaker on Hulu, where she worked alongside Hoda Abrahim to help Muslim participants find partnership.

This interview was edited for clarity and brevity.

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Q: Tell me a little bit about yourself and the path you've taken.

A: My name is Yasmin Elhady. I am 39 years old and I started matching 18 years ago in 2007. I actually started when I was 20, before I even turned 21. I met a girl and I just had a weird feeling about it. I was like, Oh, she's perfect for my brother, she's just perfect for him. And I connected them and they've been married for 18 years. That was my first match.

I didn't understand what I was doing for a long time, and then I kind of reverse-engineered my process. And I was like, Oh, I'm finding people who are actual, compliments to each other. So, I started matching and I kept going.

Q: How many matches do you think you've made up to today?

A: I have 58 marriages. I'm trying to get to 60, InshaAllah.

Q: How do you or your clients approach the idea of Halal courtship, especially in a world where, in modern day, there's a lot more liberal dating practices?

A: People who come to me usually are people who have tried other methods and they’ve been unsuccessful. So people usually don't go to a matchmaker first, even though I wish they would. In some ways, that's a good thing that they don't have that experience. In some ways, it's a bad thing they don't have that experience. And what I mean is if you don't know how terrible it is out there, you won't understand the value of what a matchmaker can do. At the same time, if you start early and hopefully can trust the process, you won't go through a lot of heartache dating in the ways that are not the most halal.

People sometimes obviously don't date in a halal way—kind of more, I would say, like a mainstream American way—and then sometimes it works out. But we believe as Muslims that we're trying our best to please God and we're trying to follow the example of the Prophet.

Every time that we're doing this and it doesn't work, that's a practice session for you to figure out what it is that you really want. It gets you one step closer to figuring out what you want. And if it works out, my hope is that it's a protection for you, that it's a source of joy and comfort and you'll know that you also were trying your best to follow the boundaries that Allah has placed on gender interactions.

You know we want people to be in commitment before we want them to be in intimacy. Why? Because Allah knows us better than we know ourselves. On average, people get attached when they become intimate. And we want to make sure that people's intentions are clear, which is why the Quran even says when you enter a home, enter it from the front door, not the back door, meaning be clear with your intentions. Whenever I hear the verse, it reminds me we have to come correct, so to speak. And we believe that that gives you the most amount of barakah. So I feel like people really are excited about Halal dating because it's like, hey, be in public. I'm not trying to destroy your vibe or always have a chaperone with you unless you want a chaperone.

I'm not gonna diss you for what you want to do. But I think there's a way to do things that are halal, and in a way that's in public and in a way that actually respects your boundaries. And within three months, I always say that's when you know whether you have an emotional connection with somebody or not. Those are my rules of three: it's three dates, three months, [300 questions]. And what they don't show on the show is that I also don't recommend anybody actually get engaged to anyone until you've met their friends and family three times. So that's the other rule of three: I want you to meet up with your friends and family three times, and I want you to meet up with their friends and family three times.

“My rules of three, it's three, three dates, three months. And what they don't show on the show is that I also don't recommend anybody actually get engaged to anyone until you've met their friends and family three times.”

Q: I feel like these kinds of matchmaking services, along with the rise of online dating apps, can be very different from traditional methods of finding love. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of that for Muslim people?

A: There's the traditional methods of going through trusted networks, so your families knew people that knew people, and there are people you went to school with, and people that you were working in the village with.

I think, though, the Western, modern way is that you meet organically at some place and you fall in love and it sweeps you off your feet. But that's also not the traditional Western Way. The traditional Western way of marriage was based on power and politics and creating a favorable match.

I think the major advantage of using people to help you find others is that there is a bit of an emissary. There's a go between. So, for example, a lot of people will shoot their shot and they could get rejected or ghosted right from the start. What's nice about having a matchmaker is that you know whether or not if someone's interested. When they're going through a trusted source, they feel, Oh, I can actually maybe give this person a chance or at least a look at their profile instead of being like, Oh, no. I don't think so.

The other thing about the online thing, is, for many people, it facilitates getting to know each other over vast distances and people that you would have never met before. So in a lot of ways, that's very positive. The major disadvantage, obviously, to the online system is that you have absolutely no idea what people's intentions are. And when you don't have a trusted network, you don't know, when do you run your FBI background investigation? When do you check their credit? Are they going to kill me? Those are all sorts of things that women have to really think about. That’s the big disadvantage.

But [online dating services] also opened up, I think, geographically, for a lot of people, spaces that wouldn't have normally been opened up. They widened what I call your search radius. And widening your search radius is smart, telling your friends and family and then going out there and living your best life, your one precious, beautiful life.

I really stress, everyone in their 20s, try to find a little bit of partnership. And even if you don't end up married in your 20s, I think you need to practice in your 20s. Badly. Like, you really do. And you can do so with self respect, and you can do so with dignity and integrity. When people meet organically or they meet with ease, we support that. We love that. And some people are going to have that, some people are going to have love at first sight, and others aren't, and they have to work at it. It's a facilitation from Allah.

Q: What do you think are the biggest misconceptions that Muslims or non Muslims have about partnership in Islam?

A: I think a lot of non-Muslims think that Muslims are all arranged in our marriages, or that men are oppressive and women are inherently oppressed. And we were hoping to show not just agency in [Muslim Matchmaker] but also the reality of people's diversity of practice, diversity of thought, and that self love has to be at the center of it.

I say, “I want you to choose and I want you to be chosen.” This is a very important line in the show, because we want to give people a real empowerment to say, in order to choose properly, you've got to really be able to know yourself and love yourself. And to be chosen is, obviously, that's a gift.

I think also, there's a misconception that [Muslims] can't be emotionally attached at all. And then there's the flip side of it, which is like, There's no way I'm getting married through any kind of artificial, inorganic ways. I don't want to be set up. I think both extremes really lose the middle. There's ways that you can use your networks and the people that you know to help you make this really, really big decision, and there are ways that you can emotionally explore a connection with somebody without having to worry that your reputation is going to be destroyed or someone is going to hurt you in some way.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is not easy, but it is beautiful and it is our sunnah, and we believe that it is the foundation of good, healthy families in society. So that there is commitment, even when there are many pulls away from commitment. We want that commitment because we believe that children really benefit from that. Society really benefits from that overall.

Matchmakers, we're not a silver bullet, but we're also not out here just looking at biodatas. When I was saying that marriage is hard, there's so many things to consider for a viability, for a real compatibility, and that includes family background and includes dimensions of people and what their lifestyle habits are and the communities that they live in and what they're open to. So we have to think about all those things when we're matching people as matchmakers, which is not easy.

So be open. No one is telling me you have to marry that person tomorrow. No one is telling you this is your perfect match. But we're trying to find it. It's what we're trying to do, and we're trying to give you good practice, whether that be through this or through the app, if you feel comfortable enough to put yourself out there.

Q: What kind of advice do you have for anyone who's trying to balance their religion with their environment?

A: Don't think that you're alone. Even people whose religious holidays or even recognized by the state, they're also trying to balance those things as well. I just want young people to know that the more you are connected to God, the more you are listening to your inner voice, your intuition, the more that we believe that's where the heart work is. That's where all the good connections that you have to make in your heart are.

We believe that people are born naturally good and connected to God, not that they're sinful and away from God. And so oftentimes, when someone is feeling something going off inside like a warning system, you're always going to be led to the right thing if you are also trying your best to find a community of support that has that same awareness. Communities of support are really important to wrap your mind around all of that and to try to help Muslims feel like they're not so alone. You know, when you feel like you have companions.

So while it might seem really hard right now or impossible, you're standing on the shoulders of giants, and you can, I think, really plug in to their wisdom, which is that they didn't reject the societies that they were in. Muslims did not do that. They didn't just reject ourselves. No, they made everything better. They looked at, hey, are these aqueducts? We can make these better. Is this science? Oh, I think I can make that better. I can glorify God through all these things. I can be grateful for the one precious life that I was given in a way that puts God in the center.

I think that's what's really going to help young Muslim people: Let me learn about my tradition. Let me be grounded at something. Let me mean something. Let my words mean something. Let me be careful about what I say and let me think through things. I don't have to have an opinion about everything. I can think through it. I can find mentorship and guidance and teachers that help me formulate my thoughts before they're ready to be shared with the whole world on Twitter or on Instagram or on TikTok.

You can be deliberate and find teachers and realize that your tradition is really rich and vast and deep, and it's not as myopic as insecure people. There's many lanes and we are not a caravan of despair. That's a Rumi poem. We are not a caravan of despair.

Q: I know you've grown up in the South your entire life, so I want to ask how those experiences influenced your religious identity.

A: In many ways, I feel like I'm the Muslim that I am because I grew up in the South.

I have a real deep love for Christians because I've seen the good that they do in their communities through their religion and the people who are real adherence to that faith and real followers of Christ. I'm not really looking to evangelize and I don't want to be evangelized, so I think it's helped me really know my religion.

There have been many attempts to convert me to other religions when you're in the South, so you're really forced to have to study it. It absolutely led me to really read the Bible and read the Quran, and I didn't have just a deeper connection with what I believe. I think the people in the south are really true to their beliefs. And sometimes it's based on family ties and family connection and sometimes close mindedness, but oftentimes it comes with warmth and love and deliberateness.

I have a thing I say: “Love is like good barbecue. Low and slow.” I think that your relationship with God is a love that has to be low and slow. You get to learn about Allah slowly. And I always think about how the prophet took 13 years of his life just to teach you there is a heaven, there's a hell, there's a God, there's accountability without any rules, just foundational beliefs. So I feel very much that being in the South has helped me be slow and deliberate in thinking about my beliefs. I think that there's a privilege there, because life is not the same case as it is in other cities.

I feel that it has also changed my understanding of Black history in the United States and the African American experience. I was in Emory for undergrad. I met so many people in Morehouse, Spelman, [the Atlanta University Center], people who were from the W.D. Muhammad community and I learned so much from them about the history of this country. Really, the only reason that we have immigrated in this country, or our parents generation, [is] because of the Civil Rights Act. Our histories are actually intricately intertwined, and our futures are intricately intertwined as well.

Q: Is there anything else that you want to say about the role of religion in romance or in courtship?

A: I just think that religion offers an insight into human interactions that have been going on for thousands of years. And we shouldn't have a disdain for wisdom. We shouldn't throw it out and say that has no bearing today or the consequences of removing God from the equation.

We want to know, a woman is supposed to be taken care of in Islam, but she's also giving care to her family and to her children and to meet those needs. I don't think they're antiquated. I don't think that wisdom is done. I don't think it's analog technology in a digital world. I actually think it's part and parcel of who we are, because Allah created us. We are created beings. And the faster you get there, I think the faster you can get to wisdom about how to function in a relationship and what is excellence in a relationship.

Also, would love us to actually follow our religion. That would be great. Step one, open the book, follow it.

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