how many cover letters does it take to make a girl crash out?

the summer internship hunt is not going great.

About two weeks ago, I got an email from an internship I really, really wanted.

I have this strong belief that when you desperately want something, if you talk about it, it doesn’t happen. You jinx yourself. So, I went through that entire application process downplaying every step. I didn’t tell anyone about the company — only a handful of people knew I was actively interviewing for a vague, mysterious role. Things seemed like they were happening! I made it to the final round, my potential boss and I seemed to be developing a nice rapport, and I was getting really excited about the work I would be doing.

Then, after a week of anticipation, I opened that email.

Thank you for the time and effort you have invested… after careful consideration, we regret to inform you… we understand that this news may be disappointing… your passion and qualifications were evident… we wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Well, I thought. I guess I jinxed it anyway.

I’m a sophomore in university, and this is my first time ever really applying for summer internships. It’s like college applications, but so, so much worse. I’ve been trying to do everything right — color-coded spreadsheet tracking the applications, LinkedIn and Handshake bookmarked, custom resume and cover letters drafted — but things keep falling through. The spreadsheet is turning red with rejections or stuck in yellow from ghosting. LinkedIn is flooded with my peers getting the success I’m searching for. The cover letters are making my head hurt.

It’s a little exhausting.

I know the job industry is insane right now, but I didn’t think applying would go like this. Maybe it was naive optimism or baseless overconfidence. But I’ve been actively trying to kick out my imposter syndrome, so I want to believe that I really am good at what I do. There just have to be others who are better.

In my mind, I thought I’d be able to get something somewhere, ideally in some city away from home where I’d feel like a real adult able to stand on my own two feet. But even the places twenty minutes away don’t want me. The rejections don't sting too badly — it’s more frustration than hurt. Nobody ever taught me how to do this. Now, I’m trying to learn from everyone who will teach me. What am I doing wrong?

I think it’s also challenging because I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. That was a normal thing to say at 16. Even at 18, people told me I had time. But at 20, it seems everyone else knows exactly what their end goals are. I have a general idea, but the specific career path still isn’t cemented in my head. Long-form investigative journalism? Magazine journalism? Communications and campaigns? Public relations? Law?

I thought being open to exploring paths would make me feel better during my search, but it feels more like I’m throwing mud at a wall and waiting for something to stick. After that aforementioned rejection, my motivation to succeed has dwindled, too. Applying feels like a chore, especially because in my mind, it’s not like I’m going to get these jobs either way.

me in the summer at the job i totally have secured

Jealousy is my biggest vice. Comparison has haunted me since I was little, so seeing people (smart, great people who definitely deserve it! And maybe some that maybe, possibly, might not?) finding success is a little challenging. There’s also a part of me that feels relief when my friends have similar struggles to me. Of course, I want them to succeed! But knowing it’s not just me feeling burnt out makes me feel a little bit better. I’m not sure if that’s mean.

The funny thing is, I know it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t get an internship. I’ll just stay here, continue working at my university newspaper and local cafe, and try to do some freelance work. But I know that would be a disappointment to both myself and, more importantly, my parents, who want so desperately to see their eldest daughter succeed in an untraditional field. I want to make them proud. So, I guess what I’m really trying to say is…

Is anyone hiring?

Kidding! Sort of. Like, 82 percent kidding. 81 percent.

I’m going to scream into my pillow switch tabs back to LinkedIn now. Wish me luck!